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Jeanette Horn

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Jeanette Horn was enamored of the written word at an early age and spent much of her childhood reading and making books. At eleven, she formally decided to become a writer, devoting herself to poetry several years later, when she learned from a William Carlos Williams documentary that it didn’t have to rhyme.

After receiving a BA in English from The University of Texas, where she won several Adele Steiner Burleson Awards for poetry and essay writing, Jeanette earned an MFA from The University of Iowa Writers’ Workshop. There, she was awarded a Maytag Fellowship and was a finalist for Poetry’s Ruth Lilly Poetry Fellowship. Her work has appeared in MARGIE, Poetry International, Stand, Washington Square, and other journals.

Jeanette resides in Austin, Texas, with her husband and dogs. Play, With Knives is her debut novel, and its lyrical style is evidence that poetry remains her first love. Learn more at jeanettehorn.com

After 42 Years, The Muse Bookshop Still Promotes Literacy and Community

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By Ginger Pinholster

In DeLand, Florida’s bustling historic downtown, The Muse Bookshop invites readers to browse an irresistible children’s section, new best sellers, used and antiquarian books, topographical maps, “Floridiana,” gifts, and more.

Seated at the heart of the shop is its unstoppable founder – educator and community champion Janet Bollum, who co-founded The Muse 42 years ago, on July 1, 1980. Bollum’s business has continued to thrive despite devastating recessions, changes in her personal life, and a global pandemic. On a recent Saturday, customers bustled in and out of the shop as they paraded along DeLand’s humming downtown shopping area.

Bollum has played a key role in advancing her city’s downtown business district, ever since the area was established in 1985. “I have a vested interest in the viability of the downtown district,” she explains. “I’m on the MainStreet DeLand Association board. I live in DeLand, own a business in DeLand. I promote literacy in that, if people come in and they’re looking for something, I have the ability to point them in the right direction.”

Janet Bollum, owner of The Muse Bookshop

She considers that level of service – and literary insight – as her primary selling point, compared to chain stores. “I can help my customers navigate my collection,” says Bollum, an enthusiastic bibliophile. “If I don’t have it, I can get it for you.”

From a visitor’s perspective, Bollum’s other primary selling point is her infectious passion for books and her steadfast commitment to community-building. As an example, following the police killing of George Floyd in 2020, Janet and her daughter Ella Ran live-streamed weekly readings of children’s books on race and diversity. Readings in that series included books such as Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story About Racial Injustice.

“Give a kid a love for books and they’ll be entertained for life,” Bollum says, noting that her nine-year-old granddaughter loves graphic novels such as Wings of Fire and Artemis Fowl.

The Children’s Section at The Muse

Bollum’s preferred genre is historical fiction. She reads to escape, and for entertainment, but she also reads a bit of everything, including all of the offerings in her bookshop’s “Florida Room.” There, contemporary literary fiction by Connie May Fowler and Carl Hiaasen’s humorous thrillers coexist with antique copies of Robert Wilder’s Flamingo Road and Marjorie Kinnan Rawling’s Cross Creek.

Born in Minnesota, Janet Lynn Bollum earned a mathematics degree from Moorhead State College, taught high school in Australia for a couple of years, then returned to the United States, where she became involved in adult education. That experience got her more interested in promoting literacy.

In 1979, she and her then-husband, the late Keith Charles Bollum, followed her parents to Florida, where he worked at a bookstore in St. Augustine. In 1980, they bought a business called McVicker’s Books, Cards, and Gifts, which was located a block north of her current store in DeLand. The Bollums had two children, Justin and Ella, before divorcing in 1989.

The Florida Room

Still, The Muse Bookshop persisted.

Janet Bollum became increasingly involved in civic life, serving as a City of DeLand commissioner; as chair of the Volusia County Metropolitan Planning Organization; as a representative of the Volusia Council of Governments; and on the advising committee of the Metropolitan Planning Organization. She remains active in the Democratic Party, and she helps citizens register to vote.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, Bollum says, The Muse closed for a couple of months, then began reopening gradually. She was able to secure grants from the county that helped her survive. All along the DeLand business district, she says, landlords temporarily reduced rents to help keep their tenants from going under. With very few exceptions, most of DeLand’s downtown businesses are small and privately owned, she notes. By working together, the community got through those dark days, and it has now bounced back stronger than ever, Bollum reports.

Bollum received the Woman of the Year Award from the DeLand Downtown Business and Professional Organization in 1996. She has been listed as a noteworthy Retail Book Store Owner and Educator by Marquis Who’s Who.

These days, her brother Brian helps out at the shop, as needed. At the back of The Muse Bookshop, daughter Ella Ran co-owns Outsiders, a retail store for outdoor adventurers.

Visit The Muse Bookshop at 112 S. Woodland Avenue, DeLand, Florida 32720. DeLand’s award-winning downtown district also features an art museum, eclectic craft and gift stores, restaurants, a brewery, and much more. If you’re in Central Florida, it’s a destination well worth touring, especially if you have a chance to meet and be inspired by Janet Bollum.

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Ginger Pinholster’s second novel, Snakes of St. Augustine, is forthcoming on September 12, 2023 from Regal House Publishing. Her first novel, City in a Forest, won a Gold 2020 Royal Palm Literary Award from the Florida Writer’s Association. She works for Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University and lives in Ponce Inlet, Florida, where she volunteers with the Volusia-Flagler Turtle Patrol.

Arvida Book Company: A Warm and Nurturing Community Gathering Spot

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by Candi Sary

Arvida Book Company is my local bookstore. Its eclectic décor spans generations of style, pairing unique and edgy artwork with the nostalgic comfort of grandma’s living room. Lantern-like hangings, made of book pages, dangle from the ceiling. Paintings and sculptures by local artists adorn the walls. A turntable near the register plays music from a collection of vintage albums. Tables and shelves are stacked with an impressive variety of new and used books. The children’s section, like an enchanted garden with climbing vines, invites little ones to stay a while. 

Sam and Mike Robertson

One Friday morning I stopped in to talk with owners Samantha and Mike Robertson. We sat together in the burgundy and gold wingback chairs near the coffee counter. Tiny blackboards along the wall offered staff beverage picks—Mike suggested a ‘cortado’ while Sam simply underlined ‘black coffee.’ There in the cozy chairs, with a small rounder of classic literature between us, the couple shared their Arvida story. Opening a bookstore in the age of Amazon and during a pandemic takes a lot of courage and heart. Spending time with the Robertsons, it was clear the two have an abundance of both. 

When the pandemic hit, Mike lost his job and Sam, a flight attendant, worried about losing shifts. She had always dreamed of opening a business sometime in the future. Given the uncertainty of their current situation, they thought, why not now? and set their eyes on a vacant store in their neighborhood. The big corner building, amidst quaint little shops and restaurants of Old Town Tustin, had only switched hands twice. First it was a hardware store, and for the next twenty years it was Mrs. B’s Consignment Store. Sam and Mike loved bookstores. They even had their engagement photos taken at The Last Bookstore in LA. With a leap of faith, in 2020 the Robertsons transformed that vacant building into Arvida Book Company. 

With the help of friends, family, and their two young daughters, Sam and Mike have created a welcoming, comfortable and inspiring atmosphere for the local community. They want Arvida to be more than just a bookstore. Along with author events and several bookclubs, they host a variety of community gatherings. Sam told me how important it is to listen to their customers, tailoring books to local interests, and asking about the needs of the neighborhood. Upon learning that Tustin does not have a community garden, the Robertsons are now involved in making that happen. 

A cozy nook for children

I spent a good deal of time in the store that day. Regulars stopped in to say hello and share friendly chatter. A young couple, who plays chess every morning at one of the outdoor tables, peeked in to say goodbye when they left. During our conversation about the author/artist/community events they host, Sam pointed out a petite woman on the couch beside the turntable. It was Sondos Kholaki whose book I’d seen on the local author shelf. The Robertsons introduced me to the writer who was sitting with a friend, a songwriter. The three of us, though very different kinds of writers, found a connection over our shared love for words. We had an inspiring conversation there beside the wall of local art, with the smell of coffee in the air, and a sense of warmth all around the colorful, nurtured space. And I thought to myself, This is no ordinary bookstore experience. This is Sam and Mike’s vision achieved.

I left that Friday afternoon with the latest Sally Rooney novel, a personally signed copy of Sondos’s book, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I get to call Arvida Book Company my bookstore.

Candi Sary is the author of the book Black Crow White Lie and the recipient of the Reader Views Literary Award, a CIBA Award, and a first runner-up in the Eric Hoffer Book Award. Her novel with Regal House, Magdalena, will be released in the summer of 2023.

That’s My Story: Cindy Maddox

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It was our pleasure to have a virtual sit-down with Cindy Maddox, author of In the Neighborhood of Normal, to learn a little more about her writing process as well as any backstory tidbits she might want to share about her new novel.

Cindy Maddox

• Are any of the characters in your fiction based on people you know in real life?

The main character in my novel In the Neighborhood of Normal shares my grandmother’s name (Mish, short for Artemisia) and a few of her eccentricities, but she also shares some wonderful characteristics from a woman I knew named Barb. The Mish in the book is her own person but undoubtedly has been influenced by my love for these two women in real life.

• With what do you write? A computer? A pencil? A ballpoint/ biro? Rollerball? Quill and the blood of virgins (male or female is fine. We’re all about the equal opportunity at Regal)? A fountain pen (people who use a fountain pen get extra credit points)?

I’m boring. I write with a computer and the most common word processing program. But spellcheck must be turned on, the grammar tool must be turned off, and hidden formatting symbols (e.g., spaces and paragraph marks) must be visible.

• Are you fluent in any other languages? 

I like to joke that I am fluent in English, sarcasm, and profanity, but I am actually not all that fluent in profanity. I have never advanced beyond the single-word expletive, which is probably just as well since I’m a minister. My church is very liberal, but the pastor letting loose a multi-syllabic profanity-laced rant is still frowned upon.

• Do you see chocolate/wine as an intrinsic aid to writing?

Chocolate is an intrinsic aid to writing primarily because chocolate is an intrinsic aid to living. I used to get involved in the milk versus dark chocolate debate, but now that I am older and wiser, I do not discriminate. Except for white chocolate. It is an abomination.

• Who has supported you along the way?

Fearless!

I started writing this novel years ago, but I never really got going. My wife talked me in to accompanying her to a writers’ meetup, and I went as a favor to her. The accountability and feedback got me moving. Even when I feared I would never see the book in print, my wife’s faith in me kept me going. I never would have finished it without her.

• What do you read that people wouldn’t expect you to read?

In my teenage and early adult years, I read a lot of romance. At the time I needed an escape from real life and those novels filled the void. As I aged I lost interest in the genre but still sometimes want to read to get away. In those times I don’t want fluff—I want the characters to struggle with meaningful issues and events—but I don’t want to read something depressing, either. That’s what I try to write: fiction with relatable characters experiencing real-life drama, but that leave the reader with joy. Life has enough despair.

• Has your education helped you become a better writer?

I think both my undergraduate and graduate degrees have helped me become a better communicator. The best training as a novelist, however, came from my work as a freelance book editor in partnership with a more experienced editor. She performed the substantive edit on novels, and I followed with copyediting. Seeing the changes an experienced editor made in a manuscript was invaluable to me as a writer.

• What’s your process for writing: do you outline, create flow charts, fill out index cards, or just start and see where you end up?

I start with a character and a general idea, and then I see where it takes me. I need to have a general idea of where the story is going, but I don’t like to be bogged down in details up front. I like to watch the story unfold. Sometimes it goes exactly as planned, and other times I’m surprised.

Kat Meads: That’s My Story

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On the release of Kat’s new work, Dear DeeDee, we were delighted to have a virtual sit down with her to discuss her writing process.

Who has supported you/your writing along the way?

I’ve been lucky. Over the years, I’ve had boosts and buck-ups from many folks. I’m especially grateful for a phenomenal group of women who, in the early going, helped me enormously in terms of support, inspiration and craft. We connected through UNCG’s MFA program and got together outside of class in each other’s houses for evenings of wine, food and rigorous, in-depth critiquing sessions. We called ourselves “Ladies Lit” for multiple reasons, one being, within our group, we treated what others dismissed as “women stories”—meaning stories that prioritized women characters and sensibilities—as serious, worthy fiction. In that group, I was very fortunate to learn from, among others, Lynne Barrett, Candy Flynt and Lee Zacharias. Still learning from their work today—but, alas, we’re too spread about the country to continue those great get-togethers on a regular basis.

How do you research your work?

Researching St. Petersburg

For historical fiction, I start by reading: history, cultural studies, biographies and autobiographies connected to the period and specific events. After that, I try mightily to visit the terrain. For my novel For You, Madam Lenin (Livingston Press/University of West Alabama) I managed to get to Russia. Despite the vast number of years between when I gazed upon the Neva River and my character Nadya Krupskaya did likewise, it was important to my process to experience St. Petersburg, her city—its air and light and atmosphere. My approach is similar when writing nonfiction. Although I’d finished the background research for an Estelle Faulkner essay published in “Full Stop,” before writing the piece, I badly wanted to lay eyes on Estelle’s Rowan Oak bedroom. And despite its “cleaned up” appearance and the thousands of visitors who’d traipsed through the Faulkners’ one-time home before me, that bedroom viewing was definitely worth the trip. Place—actual landscapes and physical structures—are a key component for me in any genre.

Estelle’s Faulkner’s Rowan Oak bedroom

How do you develop your characters?

Dear DeeDee

One of the reasons I was intrigued to try the epistolary form in Dear DeeDee directly relates to that question. How to exclusively address one specific recipient, reveal my own narrator self, and simultaneously have that “private” communication be universal enough in reach and content to interest an unrelated third party? That was the challenge. Eventually I settled on the “huh?” test. Whenever I wigged off on something too insular—a family tidbit that required knowing the entire backstory of all involved to appreciate its significance—that passage failed the huh? test and got nixed. For fiction, typically, I start with a visual of the character, then fast forward to the question: What’s troubling this character? That one-two usually dumps me into a narrative thicket fairly quickly. In Dear DeeDee, what’s troubling Aunt K is a bundle of stuff: time passing, where (now) to call home, were the life choices she’s made right or wrong or just inevitable—those kinds of probes. Fundamentally, it’s a book about identity, questions of identity.

What are the nuances differentiating memoir and autobiography?

I’m partial to Gore Vidal’s interpretation of those terms: autobiography requires fact checking; memoir is how one remembers one’s life. And “memoir,” Vidal went on to say, “is apt to get right what matters most.” It’s been my experience that I often discover “what matters most” during the writing process. You’d think I’d know beforehand—and sometimes do—but very often I find it’s the writing out that clarifies and confirms what’s what for me.

Where/when do you get your best writing ideas?

Cleaning house. I have no idea why—but there it is. Dust a lamp, sprint back to the desk, scribble notes; vacuum half a room, sprint back, scribble notes, etc. Needless to say, it takes me longer than it should to clean my house. Even so: side benefits.  

Kat Meads is the award-winning author of 20 books and chapbooks of prose and poetry, including: 2:12 a.m.; Not Waving; For You, Madam Lenin; Little Pockets of Alarm; The Invented Life of Kitty Duncan; Sleep; and a mystery novel written under the pseudonym Z.K. Burrus, set on the Outer Banks. Dear DeeDee, released by Regal House Publishing, is in stores December 4, 2020.

How to Start a Novel

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By Martha Anne Toll

People frequently tell me that they want to write a novel, they just don’t know how to start. Unfortunately, I have no advice, only a few thoughts on how I came to write Three Muses, which has found a wonderful home with Regal House Publishing.

An author is the worst person to describe her novel, but this was my 100-word pitch for Three Muses:

John Curtin, né Janko Stein, finds his way in America—damaged and traumatized—having survived a concentration camp singing for his family’s killer. World famous ballerina, Katya Symanova, née Katherine Sillman, fights her way from a lonely home and an abusive and intense creative partnership with her choreographer. Ultimately, she must face the impossible choice between art and love. How John and Katya find one another and unlock their futures forms the heart of this novel, which is framed against the power of three muses: Song, Discipline, and Memory. 

I know what year I started writing my novel, and I know some of its sources. Most of its origin story remains shrouded, however.

♪ ♪ ♪

In 2010, I was casting around for a frame on which to hang a new story. I stumbled upon a tradition from the Greek island of Boeotia that honored three muses. Song, Discipline, and Memory were said to be the original muses, and, in at least one version, Memory was said to give birth to the nine muses who came down to us through history.

I don’t know ancient Greek, but I was intrigued by the translation of their names: Aoede (song or tune), Melete (discipline and the preparation for prayer), and Mneme (memory). Beyond these translations, I found virtually nothing from the few Greek scholars I consulted, nor from inquiring at the National Archeological Museum in Athens, nor from the internet.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t let go of these three women. What difference did it make that I knew nothing about them? The novelist’s job is to weave fictions.

As I started writing, I came to know my protagonist, John Curtin, who was pulled out of line to sing for the Kommandant at a Nazi concentration camp. Would the Muse of Song abandon John once he reached safety? I began to worry that music would be a lifelong torture for him.

I spent hours at my computer, trying to inhabit the ballet studio with Katya, a woman who lives to dance. Was she working too hard? Too enmeshed with Boris Yanakov, her choreographer?

They haunted me, these characters—John for the agony of his experience and Katya for the consequences of her iron will (Discipline). I watched the Muse of Memory hover over both of them. Memory tends to do that with all of us.

I took in more than a few skeptical comments about the muses. After multiple re-writes, I reached an accommodation with their role in the story. Readers will need to have the final say. It’s up to them to decide what impact the muses have on Katya and John.

♪ ♪ ♪

On the other hand, I wonder if my lifelong passion for ballet was the source of my novel. I adored ballet from my earliest memories of it. At age five, I started taking lessons with Miss Corinne, who wore a bright red leotard.

And yet. I’m not sure that memory is accurate. It could have been my two older sisters who took from Miss Corinne. Maybe I came with my mother to pick them up when lessons were over.

I do remember my later enchantment, waiting for class to begin at the School of the Pennsylvania Ballet in Philadelphia, peering into the window, watching professional dancers rehearse. I would have happily spent all my time in front of that little window. It was an opening to a magical world of hard work and beauty.

Or maybe it was my long years playing viola and studying music. My compulsion to try to get music on the page. My need to explore what became a fraught and painful relationship with my instrument.

Music is backbone to Three Muses—it is the vehicle for Katya to express herself, and for John, the means of survival.

♪ ♪ ♪

Alternatively, it’s true that the inspiration for Three Muses was my feverish interest in the Holocaust. The older I get, the closer the Holocaust feels to my birth. I read and read about it. I listen to people’s harrowing family stories.

The Holocaust is more than a living memory, it was part of my upbringing. I come from a generation who knew Holocaust survivors. They were my relatives with German accents, my friends’ parents, my extended family. They were familiar; they visited our high school classrooms. I played music with them; they were my dentist and later my bosses.

Too, they were blanketed in silence. Like so many in her generation, my Nana avoided talking about them; she declined to discuss “that Nazi business.” My parents acted similarly.

My family was assimilated in the same ways that our German relatives were. We were not religious or observant. We were Americans first, just as our relatives were Germans first.

It was the poison of anti-Semitism that separated Jews from their compatriots, that made entire societies collaborate in their roundups and murder. Now we call it “othering,” the toxic process by which a group of people is made so onerous and reviled that they become non-human, opening the way for oppression and mass slaughter.

Never forget, we Jews say, meaning never repeat, no matter which group of people are the objects of derision. Here in the United States, the president and his henchmen have been relentless in their efforts to other. Their practice is not only cruel and vicious; it is also extremely dangerous. America is in peril. We need stories to help awaken us to hatred’s risks.

♪ ♪ ♪

In the end, I can’t describe the origins of Three Muses. I only know that we humans are angry and loving; we are selfish and injurious and kind.

How to express the trove of unique stories each of us carries around? We can sing and dance; we can remember out loud. Or we can we suppress our traumas and live in freighted silence, hermits sitting atop memories that are too shattering to voice.

I prefer to break the silence.

Martha Anne Toll is the 2020 recipient of the Petrichor Prize for Finely Crafted Fiction. Her novel, Three Muses,is forthcoming from Regal House Publishing in Fall 2022. She is a regular contributor to NPR Books and other outlets; and was the founding executive director of the Butler Family Fund, a social justice philanthropy. 

How Can White Folks Join the Fight to End Systemic Racism?

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Racism lives in our minds and bodies—to end it, we must first find and feel it. 

By Amy Banks MD

Like so many in our country, I am sick—not from the coronavirus, but by the ways systemic racism continues to shackle and kill people of color in our country and by the ways in which too many white Americans continue to deny it, look the other way, and/or fail to see how their lives benefit from it.

In the U.S., systemic racism is one of the primary default programs all citizens use to filter day to day experiences. The random fact of being born white comes with unearned power and an unseen advantage over people of color. I have learned from antiracist friends and colleagues that racism is so deeply embedded in our societal structures and subconscious minds that if you live your life without examining your biases and the biases of people who were instrumental in shaping your beliefs, you will inevitably replay the learned racism consciously or unconsciously.

For many white people, it is too easy to believe that you care deeply about social justice but are too busy with work, taking care of kids, or paying the bills to join an all-out war on racism. It’s been too easy to only think about Black lives mattering immediately following the killing of another Black person by the police. The mass of diverse protesters across our country are screaming in one voice that inaction is no longer tolerable. It is time for white people to take responsibility for changing the culture of racism by changing themselves and the unequal social structures they have created. Silence is not an option. 

In more intimate groups of well-meaning white people, I have heard many share how they feel stuck, frozen by guilt or fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing. They want to jump in but don’t know how or where to start. Taking responsibility must begin with an increased awareness of one’s own biases—how they were created and how they benefit all white people. Only then can any of us honestly own the role we are playing in perpetuating the status quo.

Racism lives in our bodies and therefore we cannot simply think our way of it. We cannot escape into our heads and create a new community ideal without first feeling the impact of racism. We must feel the pain that people of color have endured and to use that pain to fuel action for change.

Examining my own whiteness and unearned privilege takes me back to my roots in Maine, which remains the whitest state in the nation (2020). Here I can begin to understand how seamlessly my own racist education started and how deeply it lives in my cells. This is not an exercise in self-flagellation, but rather an attempt to see where it stills lives in me. I understand that it is impossible not to be racist when you grow up in an environment with toxic levels of bias, judgement and misinformation about people of color. I cannot become an anti-racist without owning and identifying where racism lives within me and in my communities.

To say that race relations were not on my radar growing up would be an understatement. In fact, in high school I was just coming out to myself as a lesbian and I was preoccupied with the injustices in the LGBTQ community in the later ’70s. In Maine, there was plenty of homophobia to worry about. However, for my family, that changed in the spring of 1979 when my father traveled on business to New Orleans. On his first day in NOLA, after eating dinner in the French Quarter, he and a colleague walked back to the Hyatt Regency. At the entry to the hotel, they were held up by two young men, and my father was shot and killed. 

Within hours, my family was told that “two Black men” had tried to rob my father and his colleague. This was my first substantive exposure to someone from the Black community. My family had been shattered by the murder and naïvely believed that the legal system in New Orleans would help us seek justice for the death of my father. We had no idea that what we were told was filtered through the New Orleans legal system well known for its racist attitudes. When the photos of the suspects, Isaac Knapper and Leroy Williams, popped up in our local newspaper, I remember looking at them closely and wondering what in their lives would have caused them to rob and kill. It never occurred to me that the prosecution would withhold exculpatory evidence at the trial and that one of the young men, Isaac Knapper, would be wrongly convicted for murder and sent to prison for the rest of his life. My family did not question the arrest and verdict for many reasons, but the biggest was that my family was solidly part of the white, dominant culture. One does not have to be an avowed white supremist to be racist—you simply have to be brainwashed 24/7 by a culture that defines health and acceptability as the birth right of all white people and associates people of color with violence.

When I found out in 2005 that the alleged killer of my father, Isaac Knapper, had been exonerated in the early 1990s, I was shocked and sickened. By then I had become a psychiatrist with a deep interest in issues of social justice and was well aware of the gross inequities that existed in America between people of color and white people—in health care, life expectancy, educational opportunity, housing, wealth … the list goes on and on. However, until I learned of Isaac’s exoneration, I had no way of knowing how entwined my own story was in America’s racism. The traumatic memory of my father’s murder was now exponentially more painful as it now involved the wrongful conviction of a sixteen-year-old boy. The anguish was now compounded by images of Isaac as a young man in the Louisiana State Penitentiary, Angola where he was sent to live out the rest of his life with no chance of parole.

By 2015, I was both curious and furious. Eric Garner, Freddie Grey, Michael Brown—the killings of Black men by police just kept happening. I decided to take personal action to more fully understand the horrendous racist event that my family had unwittingly been involved in. With much fear, I reached out to Isaac Knapper (who had been released after thirteen years and was living in NOLA) and asked to meet. In December of that year my sister, Nancy, and I met with Isaac and his wife in New Orleans. The meeting and our friendship have transformed my life. What surprised me the most was how easy it was to be together—how we didn’t stop talking and sharing the entire weekend we spent together. What disturbed me to my core was hearing Isaac’s personal experience of police brutality. How much worse his experience had been then I could even imagine. He shared his violent arrest at 5:45 a.m. when he was awoken with guns pointing at his head, the brutal interrogation where police beat him to within an inch of his life in an attempt to force a confession (it failed), and the utter disregard for his humanity at every turn of the legal proceedings. Yet, despite all he had been through (and continues to go through as a Black man in this society), he also listened to our story and our pain with deep compassion and caring. 

From left to right: Laurie White, Nancy Banks, Isaac Knapper, Amy Banks

One lesson I have learned from Isaac and his family is that the process of healing racism will hurt and at times, the risks you will need to take will be terrifying. But the pain is not penance for bad behavior (though there is room for that as well). When you hurt so badly you feel you will die—pay close attention. Feeling unspeakable pain may mean you have finally begun to feel clear empathy and resonance with the relentless agonies and indignities faced by people of color. You must walk directly into that pain to fully understand the price Black and brown people have paid for your/our white privilege. If you can’t stand it, don’t stop feeling, find someone who can help you hold it. Do you dare to risk everything to be part of the movement to repair the racial divide that has plagued our country since white people enslaved Black people over 400 years ago literally using their Black bodies to build America?

Isaac and I have established a deep friendship—one that feels more like family. It is a chosen family that I cherish. Within it I have had the opportunity to heal and to grow and to witness my own biases in a way that humbles me. We have chosen to write our story in an upcoming book, Fighting Time. In sharing our story, we hope to inspire people to move into the fear and the pain of systemic racism and to have the conversations that are desperately needed to see and feel one another and to help our society grow beyond our tragically racist roots.

Fighting Time, by Isaac Knapper and Amy Banks, M.D., will be published by Regal House Publishing/Pact Press in 2021.

Amy Banks is the author of The Complete Guide to Mental Health for Women, published by Beacon Press in 2003, and of Four Ways to Click: Rewire Your Brain for Stronger, More Rewarding Relationships, published in 2015 by Penguin. Her second book captures the work she has done over the past fifteen years studying the neuroscience of relationships and how essential supportive connections are to overall health and well-being.

References

Walker, Maureen. When Getting Along is Not Enough: Reconstructing Lives in Our Lives and Relationships. 2019, Teacher’s College Press, New York, NY

Kendi, Ibram X., Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America. 2016, Nation’s Books, New York, NY

This article was first published at Psychology Today